Following the most beautiful

Now is the time for me to go to another country in order to find my community. Going overseas by myself into unknown territory was always something I would do in the future and now apparently it is something I am going to do very soon. I am doing this because for the first time in a long time I feel a desire for something I do not have. Maybe this is the "passion" my dad was telling me about, the driving force of my life that will provoke me to get up and do something, go somewhere and be somebody. I live in the country because I feel the need for a community. There is a small human community there, yes, but I often feel more connected to the more immediate community of other animals who live in immediate proximity to me; many different species in various degrees of domesticity. And then I come to the city and it's almost entirely humans and I don't necessarily feel very connected to many of them.

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I have been to the other side of the planet now and yes, I made so many wonderful friends.  My passion for community and companionship has taken me all over the planet.  I tend to live my life on the philosophy that I go to where the people love me the most.  I receive invitations to people's homes and we enrich each others'  lives for a short or long while.  The most beautiful people draw me in with their eyes and I can't help wanting to feel as close as possible to their lives and their bodies.  Sometimes they even see my beauty and draw me closer; sometimes they revolt and I feel the pain of rejection and move on as quickly as possible.  It amazes me how the most simple guides can lead me to the most beautiful situations.  However, I fluctuate between alienation and communion.  I move from city to country to gathering to lonely wandering.  I look into the eyes of a beautiful human being or touch the trunk of a beautiful tree and then I must leave because permanence is too scary to face.  Nothing is permanent, I tell myself, don't stay too long.

I want to see what happens when I return to the most beautiful person I can think of and allow myself to stay in their presence for as long as it seems necessary, as long as it sustains us both.  Will we upset one another?  Will we abandon one another on some subtle fundamental level?  Will I leave at the critical moment or will I depart at the exact moment when the stars indicate?

I will follow this beauty anywhere and sacrifice everything for it.