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Quinoa Blessed
2017

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2010-10-07

I am Kristus Kirkko

How do we decide who we are going to be today?  Last night I relaxed into the bath, knowing that when I woke up in the morning I would be a different person.  I have woken up now and my beard is gone and I know I am different, but what this difference will look like has not yet been defined.  I am still free at this early hour to define who I am going to be today.  It is of course easier when I am meeting people who do not know me and therefore do not harbour any expectations of me.  I have spent many years searching within for the Real Me and found nothing.  I know that if I find out who I really am then there will be no more confusion about how to act and what to do because I will simply know my character and understand my morality and act with the integrity of the person I have always been and will always be.  However I have never noticed any evidence that there is a consistent person within me.  All I see is potential and experience and the hope that is the mixing of these two in the present moment.  All I can do in this moment I am experiencing is mix a little bit of experience with a little bit of potential and see what I am capable of.  This seems to change from day to day based on what food I eat and the people I associate with and the environment I expose myself to.  Otherwise I am an open book, a notebook in which anything can be written, from the most banal drivel to the most profound literature with the power to shock the world into catharsis with its novelty.  It seems to me, at least from the outside, that some adults find a persona they enjoy and try to stick with it throughout their life.  Will I too find such a successful and enjoyable persona that I will hold onto it for the duration of this lifetime until a physical death ends my ego and my lifetime and my career?  Or will another kind of death come along every few months or every few days and kill the person I am trying to be, forcing me to look around and build a better version based on the information and resources around me?  It is just a shame that I feel so silly and pretentious changing my name all the time when really it is supremely appropriate because "Chris Kirk" has too many connotations for me to receive too severe a re-imagining.  Do I have the integrity to undermine myself and start introducing myself as Kristus Kirkko and therefore figure out who I can be under that name?  I am the manifestation of my own fantasy.  I am a mythological being inhabiting a physical body and until I leave this body behind I have forced myself to deal with the reality or unreality of this world.  I personally can't tell whether it is reality or unreality.  I am not sure whether the image I use my senses to gather and my mind to correlate and project is in fact reality because it differs significantly from the reality of even those closest to me who I am able to communicate well with.  If my experience of this world is so different from another human being then how different is my experience from that of a tree, another life form, who my communication with is less certain?  I no longer claim that the holographic image of reality that I project onto the world is in any way accurate, but it is what I have to work with here and I am happy to see such a beautiful sky when I wake up in the morning.  It reminds me of the vast limits of even my limited sphere of this universe.

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